He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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