Non-Jews are for practice
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
