Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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