Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
