The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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