I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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