You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
