I CAN MOONWALK!
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
