Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
