I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
