Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I don't deserve a penis
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
