She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
