My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
BRING THE BAGELS
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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