Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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