So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
