Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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