She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
