I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
