I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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