remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
