nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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