i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
