I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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