Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
