I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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