Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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