He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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