i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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