In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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