Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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