I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
