I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
