I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
