He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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