I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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