hotel room ftw
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
