I hate your face
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
