I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
