I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
