All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
