im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Randomize
