I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
it's like heaven, but drunker
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
