do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
