R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
