Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
