They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
