i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
