Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
