Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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