i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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