Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
