Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
my vag is so smooth its legendary
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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