I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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