There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
